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Not all Dutch things are easy to adapt to
(c) Amanda van Mulligen |
Around a year ago I published a blog post which threw up the question
whether the Netherlands was a friendly place to live for expats. The resounding response was no. And it was the most commented on post I have written - with comments still coming in.
It seems that most of you indicated that making friends with Dutch people is nigh on impossible. That Dutch people are very closed off (to expats) and that the
local language is a serious barrier to friendships with the locals. Some of you were extremely negative, others were relatively positive. The positive comments indicated that the more effort you put in to making local friends, the more rewards there are to be had. The negative commentary indicated that all effort had been to no avail.
The ferociousness of some of the comments surprised me. The warmth of some of the comments about the Dutch and the Netherlands was encouraging (
check out Tiffany's comment for example). I have been meaning to write a follow up post for many months now so here goes.... let the comment barrage begin once more.....
Dutch people are not openly embracing new people and swallowing them up into their social circle. They don't always come across as particularly warm at a first glance. But to dismiss them as rude and unfriendly is scathing and unfair in my eyes. I find most, if not all of the people that I come into contact with on a social level to be friendly, interested and communicative. I am not including
employees in shops, bars or restaurants as they are a breed apart........
I think how you approach local relationships very much depends on your reasons for being in a foreign country, and how long you plan to stay. Integration is of course not high on the agenda is your stay is short term and employment based. Then you are more likely to mix solely in expat groups. And in the comments on my post a year ago a fair point was raised - if you are not going to be around for a while then the investment from the other side (i.e. the local) is also a lot of effort for little reward.
I moved to the Netherlands in 2000 because I met a Dutch man. My plan at that time was to move here and stay indefinitely. Twelve years later I have three sons, a husband and no plan to move back to my home country. My eldest attends school here. My other two will follow. I have learnt Dutch over the years and only speak English when my family or friends visit, or at home alone with my children so that they learn English. That already makes a huge difference making friends with local Dutch people.
The argument from expats is often that Dutch people speak very good English so they don't need to learn Dutch. However, many Dutch people feel very unsure of themselves speaking in English. I have so often heard "I don't speak English well" when in fact their English is pretty good. The fact is that language is a barrier to local friendships. Someone is always speaking a second language (usually the Dutch person) and it hinders deep conversation in many cases. Confidence takes a knock - and lets face it communicating with people in a second language is not the path of least resistance.
There is also an issue of culture. My husband and I grew up a matter of a few hundred kilometres from each other and yet our youths are very different because we lived in different countries. So whilst he is reminiscing with friends and family about TV programs, music or the activities he undertook as a child I can only sit and blankly stare. And it works vice versa.
Bagpuss? Fingermouse? Bucksfizz? Forget it - he doesn't have a clue what I am talking about. Common ground is needed for the basis of a relationship - and this is where Tiffany's wise words ring true:
"Of course, I joined an expat group as soon as I moved here, but I also realised I needed to make Dutch friends and would never do so just hanging around my expat haunts. So I signed up to be paired with a native Dutch speaker to improve my Dutch, I joined an all Dutch vocal group, I made an effort to get close to my husband's friends, I went to dance classes and other events where I'd meet
like-minded Dutch people, I chat with neighbors while I'm out walking the dog."
Having my eldest in school has been a trigger for a huge increase in social contact with Dutch people. Because there is suddenly something in common - our children are in the same class. We face the same issues. We share the same daily spaces. Most are friendly and warm. My experience is not unique. An anonymous comment on the post from last year stated:
"I speak the language, which has made a huge difference, but it was when I started volunteering for school and community activities that I really felt I had a place here."
The Dutch people I meet ask about where I come from, how I experience life in the Netherlands, whether I miss England, what I miss about England, and whether life in the Netherlands is easy for a Brit. There is interest. There are questions. Because I can talk Dutch with them. And it doesn't matter to them that there is an accent, or that sometimes I mix my words. The fact that they don't have to struggle along in English with me is a big relief for many.
I'm not saying it's easy at all - but there is another side to the story. The context in which you meet Dutch people is important - do you have anything in common to start from? Is language a barrier? It has taken years and years and years to build up what I would call any level of local friendships here. It hasn't been easy and it seems that is goes a natural course as you get more integrated and feel more at home in your host country. If you feel more at home, you are more yourself, you have the confidence to join local groups, to tackle conversations in a foreign languages - to take the time to invest in relationships.
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There's always light at the end of the tunnel
Photo: John Nyberg |
For those reading these posts before making a leap to the Netherlands, or anywhere else for that matter - don't be put off. Moving abroad isn't easy. But there is always light at the end of the tunnel! You just need to make sure you constantly move forwards to get there.
One final thought - think about the friend base you have in your home country - how long did it take to build those friendships up? Rome wasn't built in a day as the staying goes.......
It would be interesting to hear from anyone who commented a year ago..... has anything changed for you? Anyone else feel that their effort with the locals has been worth it?
