To be, or not to be (a victim)

Today there was a great article of Asha ten Broeke in de Volkskrant about victims and the truth behind their statements. Let me first of all state that I, and I don’t think anyone else, doubts the fact that human trafficking, exploitation and forced prostitution really happens.

But, I also know the other side of it. Girls who use those stories as an excuse for other reasons. Girls that weren’t real victims, that weren’t exploited or forced into prostitution, but claimed they were for their own reasons.

One of them was one of my best friends. A Bulgarian girl, we lived together for almost a year, and she was the only girl from the Red Light District who I really trusted enough to talk about everything with her. And likewise, because she trusted me as much as I trusted her.

She came here in 2008 to work in prostitution. Out of poverty? Not really, her parents bought her a house and a car for her 18^th birthday. So much for poverty I guess. Honestly I still don’t really understand why she choose to do this job, since she didn’t really need the money. But I guess people in general just always want more than they already have.

She had told her parents she was working in Italy in a restaurant. Every once in a while she would go to Italy, rent an apartment, to make some pictures for Facebook, and sometimes she would meet her brother there, to keep up the façade that she was really working and living there.

Her boyfriend never really liked her choice of work. And after a couple of years this apparently started to bug him, as he wanted her to quit the job. In fact, if she wouldn’t quit working in prostitution, he was threatening to leave her forever. 

So she quit the job in 2012 and went home with her boyfriend. A month later she was back again in Amsterdam however. She told her boyfriend she was coming to give me a visit, but in reality she just came here to go back in prostitution. At that time I had just met my boyfriend and we were living together for only a couple of weeks, when she moved in with us until she could find a new apartment. Me and my boyfriend both witnessed what happened next. 
Because doing this sneaky thing behind the back of her boyfriend didn't last long, because a couple of weeks later he found that she was working again in prostitution. They had a big fight about it, and eventually broke up. Why? Because she choose prostitution over her boyfriend. So much for all those people that claim that nobody would choose for prostitution if they didn't have another choice I guess.

A little while later she went back again to Bulgaria. And that's where things really became tricky. Becuase one day she left the laptop open, and someone was starting to chat to her, a friend of hers from the Red Light District in Amsterdam. Her brother saw the chat coming in, and started to talk back to that girl, to which he found out the truth: she was working in prostitution in Amsterdam.
Now she found herself in a difficult position. Her cover up story that she was living and working in Italy was falling apart, and she had to come up with something. So finally she decided to admit that she was working in prostitution in Amsterdam. But, because she was scared her parents and her brother would condemn her decision to do this job, she blamed things on her ex-boyfriend. He forced me to do this job, is what she told them.

It’s easier to play the part of the victim to gain compassion, than to admit the truth that many people don’t want to accept. If you claim you’re a victim everyone loves and supports you, if you tell the truth that you choose to do this job yourself, people judge you on your choice of profession and often you’ll be excluded by people, also by family and friends.

Fact is that the stigma on sex work, is causing girls to lie about the truth. Not the ‘truth’ that they were forced into prostitution. But the truth that it was their own choice. This is a harder truth for people to accept than the idea that someone became a victim, and that is because playing the role of the victim is rewarded with love and compassion, while admitting the truth that you choose yourself for prostitution gets punished by people banishing you out of their family and friend circles.

Of course not every victim is a liar, and that’s also not what I am saying. There are plenty of victims out there of real forced labor and exploitation in prostitution. That absolutely happens. But do be aware of the fact that not everyone that claims to be a victim is a real victim. Often it’s easier to claim you were a victim, than to state you choose to do this job for yourself.

I’m not saying all stories are lies about human trafficking, I’m just saying that perhaps we should be a bit more critical about the stories we hear about human trafficking, and be a bit more critical about what victims claim.

This may sound harsh, and true enough for a real victim it must be terrible that people sometimes question your story, just because other girls hang up fake stories in order to avoid stigmatization. But unfortunately you cannot simply accept what a proclaimed victim says by default as ‘the truth’. Look more closer into the story, be more critical about it. It wouldn’t be the first time a victim turned out to be a liar, either for financial gain like Somaly Mam did or Maria Mosterd, or just simply to avoid the stigma of sex work like my Bulgarian friend did.

Perhaps if there wouldn’t be such a huge stigma on sex work, my Bulgarian friend could have just told the truth, instead of blaming her boyfriend for ‘forcing her’, while it was actually the other way around. Perhaps if there would be less stigma on sex work, there would also be less reason for sex workers to make false claims about being victims of trafficking, saving police and other authorities a lot of time and giving them more time to spend on finding the real victims and helping them.

This is just another example of how the stigma on sex work doesn’t help with the fight against human trafficking. Girls falsely claiming that they were victims because of the stigma, makes it more difficult and obscure to find the real victims.  This story is just one example, but I know more girls that did the exact same thing to avoid discrimination for their choice of profession. I even know of some guys that actually went to jail for this, because their (ex-)girlfriends made false claims about this.

We need to help the real victims, but the stigma on sex work causes some sex workers to falsely claim they were also victims to avoid the consequences of the stigma. This obscures the real problems of human trafficking, and makes it more difficult to find the real victims, while time is being spend on so called ‘fake’ victims trying to escape their stigma.

Dutch version

Jojanneke in Bulgaria

I didn't respond much on the last two episodes of Jojanneke, since they dealt more with victims from so long ago, that I didn't feel a need to reply to it, or they dealt more with illegal prostitution. But since Jojanneke her complaint is about the legalization about prostitution, I really have no idea why she keeps involving illegal prostitution, with loverboys taking young teenage girls away to make them work on the street. That's illegal, and therefore has nothing to do with the legalization. Actually, it's more of a preview of how things would look like if Holland hadn't legalized it.

So moving on from that into the last episode of Jojanneke, which was about Eastern European prostitutes. Or at least, the girls that used to be prostitutes, because no actual working girls in this episode. The only real working girls we saw were in the first episode, and most weren't even working in Amsterdam, and only one Eastern European girls was spoken to. Because this episode again we only get to talk with ex-victims (again).

You can reason this in both ways. Either there are no other girls to talk to, because they're all victims. Or Jojanneke has only talked with very few working girls, since she wanted to focus more on the missery from the past rather than reality at this moment. It's all fine by me, but than perhaps you should have changed the name of your TV show. Here are some idea:

"Jojanneke in Human Trafficking"
"Jojanneke using the same shit we saw already again"
"Jojanneke, only showing one side of the medal"
"Jojanneke in the EO version of prostitution (meaning censored)"
Or my personal favorite:
"Jojanneke supports Christian politics"

This episode we see: Lina (same girl that we saw already 2 years ago at BNN), some random ex-victims that didn't work in Holland, a real case from not too long ago to show you that this shit still happens today and the police is on it (no need for a pimp ban there), and a pimp so successful he still hasn't fixed his teeth with all those millions and still lives in the shittiest part of Sliven in a shitty house.

Watching Jojanneke is a little bit like how I was thinking to make a show about traffic in Holland. No, not trafficking, traffic, you know, as in cars and freeways and stuff! I call it "Felicia in Traffic".
In this show I will claim to focus on the traffic safety in Holland, interviewing mostly drunk drivers, illegal street racers and victims of car accidents. My music score will exist of the most annoying soundtrack ever with nerve wrecking music even if things aren't that shocking, to make it look more shocking. And I will interview only 4 'regular' drivers, trying to suggest that they drink too much to drive safely.

If I didn't know any better, I swear I would have believed Jojanneke grew up in either China or North Korea, as she has fully mastered the skills of propaganda. Showing only one side of the medal, claiming this is the entire medal. The very little sides she shows of the other side of that medal, quickly gets put away as 'shady' as well, using suggestive questions and voice overs.

What really bugged my about this last episode was two things. Again they try and make it look like Eastern Europe looks like the poorest place on earth, visiting one of the two gypsy areas in Sliven (Bulgaria), and presenting them as 'this is where our prostitutes are from', while in fact most prostitutes at the Red Light District for example aren't even gypsy.
I keep hearing the same dumb shit over and over again, that Holland is full of gypsy prostitutes. Now I don't know about the rest of the country, but in the Red Light District this certainly isn't the case. In fact, from all the girls I know, I know only one girl who is only half gypsy. Now either Amsterdam's Red Light District is the exception on this rule (which would be really surprising since almost all stories about prostitution are usually about us), or this is complete bullshit, and you people don't even know what a real gypsy looks like.
So, to make it clear, these are gypsies:

And these are regular Bulgarian people:

The difference? It's easy to see. Gipsy people are brown. Their skin color is brown, almost like they're from India, and they even have more similarities in facial features with people from India than with people from Romania and Bulgaria. That isn't so weird, since gypsies originated from North-West India a long, long time ago. Gypsies are also easy to spot besides their brown colored skin, as they often have teeth missing (sorry but it's true).
Now go ask 1000 customers from the Red Light District in Amsterdam, and ask them which of both of these groups looks more like the girls they visit? Is it picture A, the gypsies? Or picture B, the Bulgarians, which look kinda similar to Romanian girls? Let me guess: you thought the woman in the picture B looks a lot like those girls from the Red Light District, am I correct? You can comment down below!

So, now that we have this bullshit out of the way. Let's talk a bit about Sliven. According to Jojanneke one of the poorest cities in the country, almost a true hell hole for people to live in. Almost making you believe they have really no other option to escape from this hell, but to go to work in prostitution.
And than again, there's reality. Because the footage Jojanneke showed us of Sliven was very selective. Nice houses were described as 'villa's from pimps', and the two parts of the city where gypsies live were presented as the situation of the 'regular' Bulgarians, including of course the famous 'horse and carriage' that of course had to be in the show. They do the same shit with my country and even the city I'm from in Romania as well. Always find the shittiest places, including that stupid horse and carriage that only gypsies use, and present that as the avarage image of Romania or my city. Always trying to make it look like we're so fucking poor, our houses look more like an African tent than a house, as if we're living in a third world country.

 

 

 

Here are some random pictures from Sliven, not taken in the 'pimp neighborhood'. As you can see not quite as 'poor' as they tried and make it look like. And the exact same thing applies actually for a lot of Romanian cities and villages, as for example also my hometown.

Showing gypsy places as representative to Sliven, or any Bulgarian or Romanian place, is bullshit. Most girls that work here aren't gypsy to begin with, and their homes certainly don't look like that. How do I know that about Sliven? Well, because some of my best friends come from Sliven, that's why! And what the TV show showed us, was yet again finding the shittiest place to shoot, and present that as if that's where they would come from. And subsequently shooting villa's, and claiming that this is the 'Dutch neighborhood', because so many pimps would live here, that bought these house with money they made in Holland.

Funny thing is, that nobody reports about this 'Dutch neighborhood' of pimps, except for the Dutch media. And even the girls I've talked to from Sliven themselves have never heard of such a thing. This is an urban myth. Just because there are villa's there, and lots of girls from Sliven work here, doesn't automatically mean all those villa's belong to pimps. This rumor has been going for a while now, and it's purely a myth.
If this myth was true, there had to be evidence that at least most of those houses are owned by pimps, and payed with money from prostitution. Yet, if they could prove that, these pimps would be in jail already, and the house sold for compensation money for the victim, since it would be proof of exploitation.

Jojanneke is showing a one sided story, manipulated and twisted to make it look like this is representative for our industry. She's using only bad examples to present to people as if this is the reality for the entire industry. Either that, or she named her TV show wrong, and it should have been called: 'Jojanneke investigating human trafficking', because that's all she showed.
This wasn't a show about prostitution, it was a show about human trafficking. And the most annoying part is that there's always so high placed asshole that makes a stupid false claim, like in this case for example Warner ten Kate, who made a claim that 70% of the prostitutes would be forced, even though he has absolutely no good research to base this on and didn't do any research himself.

Yes, human trafficking happens, nobody ever claimed it didn't. There are girls being exploited, and girls being forced to work. We know this already. If you wouldn't have spend so much time making bullshit reports for PowNews back than, perhaps you would have noticed that people in Holland actually already haven't been thinking prostitution is about 'freedom and happiness' ever since the case of Saban B. already. back in 2008.
Nobody is living anymore under the assumption in Holland that forced prostitution and exploitation isn't happening. But you're one sided documentary, which makes it look like almost every (or at least 70%) of the prostitutes would be forced is absolute bullshit.

You didn't bring anything new to the table, but re-hashed the same shit, and the same victims we already saw before in countless other TV shows to show us the same one-sided story Eveline Hölksen from Free A Girl and many other moral crusaders and money grabbing organizations have showed us already. Presenting the world of prostitution as a place of only misery and sadness.
You've failed to start a debate about this, since this debate was already started years ago, after the story of Saban B. came out. Since than we've heard the same record being played over and over again, only talking about the misery in prostitution, but without the voice of real sex workers.
You are just another example of that, using mainly victims to tell your stories and presenting this as representable for the entire industry, while heavily editing the voice of real sex workers in your advantage to make them look sad, hardly letting them voice their own opinion that they are not sad and don't need to be saved.

You've failed at everything you set out to do. Your goal for a pimp ban has already been shot down by the National Rapporteur. Your goal to 'prove' the legalization of prostitution has 'failed', has backfired into giving real sex workers a podium in the media. And your goal to shake Holland awake about the trafficking in prostitution came years too late, as the case of Saban B. already did that in 2008. Your show is nothing new, and I'm truly disappointed, I expected you would take things one step further from what we've seen before, but in stead you repeated the same old shit again in a new show. Still doesn't change the fact that's it's the same old shit all over again, Jojanneke!

What sex workers and victims need are rights! Not more repressive laws that only cause more human trafficking than it fights. Not more moralistic bullshit from moral crusaders, or money grabbing rescue organisations that make false claims and increase the stigma. Not more research for moral purposes. We need rights! Because only rights can fix the wrongs. After all, no slave from the 18th century was saved by rescues, but by giving them more rights!

Dutch version

Happiness in a Click

I was incredibly skeptical of beginning this project 52. Sounds like it should be quite easy, as I am continually snapping away for the blog, but I had something distinct in mind for this plunge. 

In truth, I am rather new to the photo world, and it's a complex world with endless learning possibilities. With that spirit in my heart- I am hoping for this to be an opportunity to really focus on practice, on grasping command, and pushing my comfort level.

Lifestyle photography is really what calls to me- capturing moments and emotions, images that pull you in and incite something deep inside. It's also the area that I feel I need the most work in. It is so difficult to capture those fleeting feelings, a look, an action that you so desperately want to hold onto. They are gone in a flash your subjects attention whisked away to something new. Add in the all to important element of lighting and it is a true feat. 

This little shoot has turned out to be one of my absolute favorites. These images fill me happiness. They capture each of their personalities and hold light deep inside the frames. 

On this particular day the kiddos were not feeling all that well, and they weren't wholly thrilled by the prospect of having their pictures taken. So, I gathered up a  great bag of props, brought a speaker, and we traveled down the hill to some open fields. Blaring some poppin music, I left the bag of props out to be dug thru and played with at random. They had the greatest time, laughing and posing, silliness abounding.

The images come with memories lovingly attached- Eleanor in all her fiest and fury-captured perfectly as a beautiful mess in her little boy pajamas and lavender tutu- the incredible contradiction that she is. Aussie, wearing personality glasses and holding Mobley, her best friend and monkey she has carried with her since she was five months old- creative and one of a kind, finding her way between child and girl. Issac and those beautiful eyes, playing a game of peek a boo with a ukulele, while staring deep into your soul, and my Zain- vibrant yet quiet, clever beyond measure and witty as can be.

My, how I love my people.  

  

PROUD responds to Gert-Jan Segers his attack on sexwork

Some while ago Gert-Jan Segers from the ChristenUnie, together with the more extreme religious political party SGP, requested in parliament, to do research which would ‘prove’ that the legalization of prostitution in Holland has ‘failed’.  It is no secret that Gert-Jan Segers is anti-prostitution. He constantly tries to dominate the debate and constantly tries to come up with legislation that looks to fight human trafficking by the naked eye, but when examined closer is just another attempt to criminalize parts of prostitution.

In the last few years he has tried to: research the Swedish model in hopes of getting Holland interested in this (together with Myrthe Hilkens from the PVDA), tried to criminalize clients that ‘should have known’ they were using the services of a victim, and recently did a second attempt at introducing a pimp ban, of which even the National Rapporteur Human Trafficking has just stated this is unnecessary, since the law already offers enough tools to do this with the current human trafficking law, just like I stated earlier.

All these measures sound good at first maybe, trying to protect victims, but that’s exactly the problem. They ‘look’ good, but in reality they are not, because they criminalize things, pushing them underground, making it more difficult to help victims instead of easier. For Gert-Jan Segers of course this is the whole point, the more he will push prostitution underground, the more problems it will cause in prostitution, the more he can claim he was right that ‘prostitution wasn't a normal job'.

His request to compare human trafficking statistics from other countries with Holland in an attempt to prove that the Dutch legalization of prostitution in Holland has ‘failed’ is another one of those things. At first you might think this is a good idea, to compare ourselves with other countries, to see if the Dutch model has been a success or not. But that’s only to the naked eye.

Because there’s a huge problem with comparing these kind of things. Different countries use different definitions of human trafficking, making it impossible to compare them. Poor statistical research and incompatible definitions make it impossible to compare these things, and will therefore create a false image.

The result of this research would be useless, since the very basis of the research is already flawed, namely the incompatible data. No doubt it would say that Dutch human trafficking statistics are higher, but that doesn't mean that this is really the case. There’s a huge difference between what countries register on paper, and what is happening in reality, which all comes down to how you define things and register them, and what type of prostitution model the country uses.

Of course Gert-Jan Segers is well aware of this, as this is exactly his goal. Using a flawed research which gives a false image about reality, in an attempt to ‘prove’ that the legalization of prostitution in Holland has ‘failed’. He however hopes to deceive other politicians with this flawed research of incompatible data sets in an attempt to criminalize (parts of) sex work, for moral and religious reasons.

To point this out to politicians the (soon to be official) Dutch sex workers organization PROUD has written a letter. The letter also has been signed by the ICRSE (International Committee on the Rights of Sex Workers Europe), and almost 50 experts and human right activist on the subject of prostitution and/or human trafficking as well as various other organisations with knowledge about sex work , to point out the flaws of making such a research.

I am a member of PROUD myself, and have been with them since the very first meeting. The people of PROUD have morally supported me the past year with writing my blog, and I fully support their goals and this letter they have written. Therefore I strongly advice everyone, especially politicians to read this letter and stop a pointless and flawed research from being made, which could be used for the wrong reasons.

I am PROUD to be part of an organisation that is filling in the gap De Rode Draad has left after they went bankrupt in 2012, because they didn't receive any funding anymore. PROUD represent my voice, as well as many other sex workers that are part of this organisations, that are trying to improve the rights for sex workers in Holland.

Read the letter PROUD has sent to members of parliament here.

Dutch version

Insta-Love

I am totally behind the times, and am always so very tardy to the game. It's mildly ridiculous, but as of late, well like years too late, I have fallen hard for instagram! I guess technically I've had an account for a spell, but I never fully participated or embraced this outlet, and I absurdly failed to follow anyone outside of my family and close friends.

Somewhere in the last few phases of the moon I started stumbling  upon these beautiful, heart warming feeds. Creatives who are brilliant photographers, poets, cooks, mothers, and visionaries. There are some that can describe my feelings better then I ever could hope, those that whisk me away with a single image, capturing light and happiness, love and sadness. There are prompts and contest and oodles and oodles of fun to be had.

So, yeah, I'm in. It's awesome!

Here is just a smidgen, a small smattering, of some of my favorites right now:

@oldjoy - her pictures and captions are flawlessly calming, and peaceful in a way I can't even describe.

@mamawatters - she is stunning, her pictures cozy, it's just an all around warm space.

@thegraygang - I'm going to be real with you, I am a bit obsessed with this gal. Her pictures radiate happiness. She portrays exactly what a life of a child should look like- colorful and messy and vibrant. Her writing is deep and heartfelt and somehow manages to make me cry beautiful sappy tears near every day.

@bethadilly - is great for anyone interested in photography. Her images are dreamy and white, full of bokeh and blur. Lovely, simple and lovely.

@denisebovee - Denise Bovee is just cool. Her pictures make me want to move to California, have a bonfire on the beach and dance under the stars:)

Now, while your out and about scouring the instragram world and  you would like to follow along on our adventures, come find me   @chels_holland 

What about you- who are some of your favorites?

p.s. I have written a piece for The Laundry Moms that is up today. I will tell you that to date it was the hardest piece to simply get written. I'm not quite sure of the why's on that, but regardless after much agonizing and procrastination I was able to at least turn something in. Check it out if you get a chance and let me know what you thought!   

My Homeschooling Heart

Yes, we are homeschoolers.

I realized that I've not written about it too often, honestly because I felt I had nothing to offer on the subject. I'm ever so slowly learning that that's just not true. I can't, or more accurately won't, offer advice, or give you how to's, or show you how organized and together we are because that's just not it. Yet, I'm not self-deprecating enough to show you how tragic everyday is and how we rarely get anything done, because that's not our truth either- What I can offer is honesty. My truth on our decision and the reality that lies there in.

I chose to homeschool for many reasons. The main and most important to me, being that I wanted to protect them. I fully realize that everyone is not wholly onboard with that ideal, but for Kaleb and I- our goal was to let them be kids. To retain a semblance of innocence and wonder, for as long as possible. We had a heart that yearned for them to be outdoors, exploring nature and driving creativity- our home and lifestyle is perfectly set up for this avenue of schooling. 

Life is just good here on the farm for a kid. There is much room to frolic and play, and imagination is thick. There is much for us to do as a family whether that be hiking and fishing, chopping firewood or caring for animals. It was a massive help and influence that there is a very large and very supportive homeschooling community where we live, also we were lucky enough to watch my sister in law, already finding her way with her own kiddos, so I got to see first hand the joys and adventures that can be fostered there.

Like everything else in my life, this was not a direction I would have ever foreseen in my future. Before I had these beautiful wilds I was positive they would go to school and I'm quite sure I thought homeschoolers were slightly weird, but as soon as my first little one was in my arms, I knew. Homeschooling just made sense- for our family, for our way of life and it has been a decision that I have never regretted.

There are times when the absolute gravity of this decision hits me. When I realize that these beautiful spirit's education  lies entirely in my hands, and it's a very sobering reality. There are beautiful days that are fun and smooth and easy, and  there are  ugly days when I want to pull my hair out and scream. 

The most difficult part for me has been trying to find what works for us. There are A LOT of opinions and suggestions from wannabe helpful mothers, and it can prove to be quite overwhelming and sometimes greatly disheartening. I have had the most trouble trying to work within the confines of a curriculum. My brain simply finds no creativity there. If I have it I feel I MUST do exactly, everything they tell me. I find no room in my head or our schedules for artistic pursuits and shear joy. At this place in my kiddos education I feel that fostering a love for learning should be my first and utmost priority. So I have been wading my way thru many a plan and an assortment of ideas and learning styles, trying to find what fits. A big factor for me has been putting any and all pride aside, being freely willing to admit when it's not working, and throw it all out and start anew.

I have a picture in my head of what I want our time together to look like- filled with crafts, hands on activities, projects and fun. Unfortunately this requires an extensive amount of researching, planning, time, organization and know how. Right now, I once again find myself in a reworking phase, yet I truly believe the greatest thing I could do would be to just let myself off the hook. Trust that it's going to be ok, realize that I can't get this time back, so just enjoy it.  

I have absolutely no idea how long we will continue. I take it one day, one week, one year at a time. If we come upon a time when this no longer suits us, then we will move on to something else. Any thinking too far ahead into the future makes it far too scary, but day by day it is very doable. If perhaps you are even considering homeschooing I would say yes! I do, I love it. I love being with them, I love being able to watch them grasp new concepts, getting to be a part of their education is  beautifully inspiring. Yet, I would tell you that you must find your own way. Every mom does it differently and each families goals for the day is different. Go into it with no expectations, don't complicate it, and open yourself up to new ideas and intriguing tactics. It's an outlet that has the power to be something truly amazing, if you let it. A journey that can strengthen and seal bonds, one filled with hilarious tales, sweet memories and unforgettable moments.

If you have any suggestions or advice- please, lead on! On the other side, if you have any specific questions about our day or plans or are in need of some homeschooling encouragement, definitely contact me and I will give it my best go. 

A Hint of Whimsy and A Dose of Random

After baring my soul for yesterday's post, I was in need of a little whimsy. Although, I have been suffering from a complete and total, debilitatingly annoying case of writers block. So,  I'm just going to take this time to shower you with happy images of my wee one and her chicken friends mixed with a little bit of random musings, because we could all use some random musings, right?

I had actually hoped to write a post about this wee one's sweet new shoes (seriously is there anything cuter then these little boots?!)and how they reminded me of my mom. She wore Sorrels everyday when we lived in Alaska. I have such sweet memories of that time and somehow the shoes have become a token of that era. Sadly, the post simply would not come together!

My family and dearest of friends seem to think it's quite funny that I have this blog. First off, I've always had a real aversion to all things social media, and secondly I rare to never like to be in front of the camera. It's near impossible to find a photo of me before I've deleted it. More than all that though, is the fact that somehow people consider me a writer now. I've been asked and given more and more opportunities to write for people and it's really quite humorous. My Dad basically wrote all my papers for me in school, my Mom wrote all my Thank You cards for graduations, wedding and showers and as for my best friends- one has kept a running journal since she was six and the other has dreams, plans  layouts for a book that she will write in her forties- how did I end up here? Life is beautifully strange:)

Anyway, Friday has finally come and I am one happy girl. We are headed to tennessee so I can have a slumber party with the aforementioned besties and then further on to see in-laws. A little getaway will be a welcome reprieve.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend and thank you so much for your encouraging and unbelievably kind comments yesterday. There was so much goodness, so much light- it really meant so much to me, so Thank You.

An Intimate Heart to Heart

If you and I perchanced to be old cronies and somehow you found yourself at the farm for a brief reprieve- quick as a cat, I would whisk you inside with deep hearted promises of warm drinks and a smattering of delectable- albeit healthy treats. 

Sitting by the fire, chunky knit blankets and pillows piled high around us, fully ensconced in noise and chaos and the pattering of little feet, we'd settle in. Eleanor would bring us thousands of books, saying "pookie, pookie" which is toddler code for "read to me!" 

We would chit and chat, immediately falling into our old patterns- even though it's been ages since we've had a proper sit down. In between the interruptions and wails, we would giggle, soaring from the thrill of having a brief moment together. 

Eventually everything would quiet- and then, in that moment,  we would dig in deep to what's really going on in our lives. Sharing half hearted woes and complaints, telling tales of our days and catching each other up on mundane details. Finally, when walls were broken away and the timing was right- I would pour out my heart- telling you exactly where I am. 

I would speak of how overwhelmed I've been. That I've been feeling like I'm not doing my job as well as I could, as I should, that my mind has been elsewhere, confused and distracted. 

I would tell you that I'm at a point in my life where I am faced with a heartbreaking reality- a possibility that my days of babyhood could be passed. That this oh so wonderful chapter of going straight from being a nursing mother to being an expectant mother may be complete. I would impart to you how much I dislike it- that I'm ever so grateful, but the fact that this is a decision based on how sick I will be and not what we want as a family, bothers me. I would cry broken hearted tears that there is a chance that I will never have another delivery day. You would laugh at me and tell me I'm crazy, and I would adamantly stand by the fact that, for me, there is no other day as mesmerizing, romantic and perfectly perfect as delivery day.

I would tell you how blessed I am to have four healthy, vibrant, fascinating wilds and that I feel selfish, like I'm pushing some kind of line or boundary, to even dream or hope of another. I would tell you that I've never been happier in my whole life than I have been right now, and I don't want to upset that, yet still my heart, my arms, ache with the thought of this being finished.

And then, with tears streaming down I would tell you how this is where I shine. This is my prime. I am knee deep in smudges, and questions, in dirty diapers and schooling. I would lament that there is not a clean surface anywhere and I don't own any clothes that fit me, since I've been on a roller coster ride of sizes for the last 8 years. With big guffaws and ugly crying I would ask you how I can move on from here? How can I leave this place that has brought me more joy, more life, more exhausting bone weary beautiful days then ever before? How can I pack the crib away, give away the baby clothes and move on?

I would mourn how many mothers I've heard say "I just knew when I was finished," and I would say brokenly, "I don't think I'll ever feel that way." 

Finally, when you see you've lost, that I will not be consoled, you would say- it will be ok, there is no wrong decision, only life and it will move on whether you're ready or not. 

Then we would hug and you would make some funny comment on how now I could finally get that boob job I always wanted and we would carry on- talking about recipes and gossiping about celebrity hook ups. And while my mind would be no less eased, I would be content, full, knowing how blessed I am, recognizing the beauty of this moment and this life that I love so much.

but, oh how it hurts.

Gert-Jan Segers his pimp ban

Tuesday is anti-prostitution day here in Holland, ever since Jojanneke van den Berge started broadcasting her anti-prostitution documentary here on TV on that day. And of course completely by coincidence, also on this day Gert-Jan Segers from the ChristenUnie (Evangelic Christian political party) is doing a new attempt to get a ‘pimp ban’.

The ‘pimp ban’ was lifted in 2000 together with the brothel ban, making brothels legal and therefore offering a safe and legal workplace for sex workers, and only bad pimps were made punishable with the human trafficking law. 

In short, what Gert-Jan Segers is asking for, already exists. This law is called the human trafficking law, and is found under the article 273f. All the things that you would expect, or would want to be illegal and punishable (such as beating prostitutes with a bat to make them work for you), are already covered under that law.

And that’s exactly the same conclusion also Minister Opstelen came to about a year ago, when he already denied the previous attempt of Gert-Jan Segers to create a pimp ban. According to Minister Opstelten pimps already can be handled with the current human trafficking legislation.

Opstelten also pointed out last year that the Justice department is making a lot of progress in the fight against human trafficking, since the number of convictions have never been higher before.

So why is Gert-Jan Segers trying again to do the same thing he failed to do a year ago? Well, because now of course there’s Jojanneke’s program, in which at the beginning of each episode they falsely state that pimping is legal here in Holland. Jojanneke says that it is 'legal in Holland to put a woman behind the window when you’re a pimp, as long as she agrees with it of course'.

But in reality that’s not true at all. After all, when a pimp 'puts a woman behind the window', than he's deliberately taking advantage of her, which is called exploitation and falls under the human trafficking law under article 273f. So no, it's not legal to put a woman behind the window as a pimp, even stronger, repeatedly men have been convicted for this.

In Gert-Jan Seger his defense he's using the argument that now often it's difficult to find evidence and prove in court that someone is doing this. But than again, a new law criminalizing something which is already illegal and criminal, doesn't create new evidence or new tools. They're just the same tools en evidence in a new law.

A new law doesn't magically create new evidence in a case. It doesn't magically all of the sudden 'prove' that someone was exploited, forced or abused. If the human trafficking law can't do this, this new pimp ban also won't be able to do this, since the same problem still exists: lack of evidence. There is no law that can create new evidence.

So what is Gert-Jan Segers really after? It's clear it's not really was he claiming to be after, coercion, exploitation and abuse of women in prostitution. After all, they are all already punishable under the human trafficking law. But than again, Gert-Jan Segers keeps using the specific word 'pimp'. And like I've explained here before, a pimp is not by definition the same thing as the bad pimp people have in mind when they think about Saban B, which for the law is called a human trafficker. A pimp doesn't always exploit, abuse or coerce someone. A pimp is nothing more than a person the prostitute is working for. In short, anyone who profits from a prostitute, including brothel owners, escort agencies, etc. is a pimp. Not every pimp is bad, en those that are, are called human traffickers. So it could be that Gert-Jan Segers is attempting to criminalize legal brothels under the 'pimp ban', selling it as a 'pimp ban', while in fact just being nothing more than a tool to criminalize anyone that offers prostitutes work or a place to work in.

The other option could be, that Gert-Jan Segers is not after the brothels (after all, they have a permit), and he's more after other people. People like my boyfriend, a sex worker her husband, or anyone else that indirectly profits from prostitution, because they share a house hold together. You could argue that any of those people are also 'pimps', since they also profit from prostitution. But than again, which person does not profit in one way or another from his or her partner's income? In a shared household it's almost impossible to keep them separate.

And it looks like Gert-Jan Segers is aiming for this option, criminalizing not just traffickers (bad pimps), but also partners of sex workers or anyone else that profits from our income, with this new 'pimp ban'. In short, he's trying to make our lives more difficult in an attempt to make us quit our job, since all of our boyfriends, husbands, heck even my mother could get arrested since she definitely profits from prostitution even though she doesn't even know it!

So no! This new law is not a good idea. Not because I like pimps, but simply because I am trying to protect any loved ones that might be criminalized with this law. Exploitation, coercion, abuse, these are all things that are already illegal and criminal. Making a new law won't change that, it can't get 'extra' illegal or criminal or something. And it also doesn't provide any new tools, since it is already illegal. And neither does it create new evidence. 

The only thing this new law will do, is criminalize people that are not supposed to be criminals. I'm not sure exactly which ones he's after, but it's either the brothels or (my guess) our loved ones, in an attempt to bring prostitution down to it's knees. And I will not let that happen, since those people aren't pimps! That's my fucking family! And you don't fucking touch my family or anyone else that I love! It's my money, I decide what I do with it, and not you, fucking Gert-Jan Segers!

And it's also with law proposals like these, that it becomes clear who is in favor of, and who is against prostitution. Any person that is really willing to fight coercion, exploitation and abuse in prostitution, knows these things are already illegal and punishable, and a new law isn't going to change that. This means that whoever supports this law, doesn't really care about that, they have a hidden agenda, which is to ban prostitution. It's no surprise that Gert-Jan Segers came up with this idea, after all, his whole political party has always been against prostitution. He can try to pretend his morals aren't getting in the way, but it's super obvious that this is the case, and is even the driving force for him to take on the subject of prostitution.
Bur what you can really see good right now, is who is against prostitution. Any person that supports this law, like for example Jojanneke van den Berge, shows with her support to this idea, that she's not really against trafficking as much as she is just purely against prostitution on itself. And of course the EO themselves fully support this idea, as well as all of it's members, all people against prostitution. Leo van Doesburg is another one of those christian moral crusaders who's against prostitution which supports this idea. Also Chris Sent (from CKM/Fier Fryslan) is in favor of this law, even though she still pretends to be not against prostitution (don't worry Chris, I know you blocked me on Twitter for a reason). PVDA Amsterdam is in favor of this law (obviously has nothing to do with their intention to reduce the Red Light District). In fact, anyone that supports this plan is either against prostitution, or extremely un-knowledgeable about prostitution, which is usually more the case for the readers of the Viva forum and other uninformed citizens.

Segers is hoping everybody will support the plan, because everybody is against pimps. He knows 99% of the people don't know the difference between a pimp and a trafficker, and is abusing this in his advantage to strike hard into prostitution. He knows very well what he's doing, and he's carefully planned this thing out together with the EO and Jojanneke.
After all, tonight's TV show of Jojanneke is about pimps. But even before one single image has been broadcasted, Gert-Jan Segers is already jumping ahead. I knew that when Jojanneke was coming with her TV show, this was an attempt of Christian and rescue organizations to attack prostitution again. It was so obvious, the negative way they present prostitution was only to justify a law in the making, and now their plans have revealed itself. Make no mistake, Jojanneke her program was a well coordinated attack by the ChristenUnie, who frequently uses its EO broadcast channel in an attempt to get their ways.

I hope now it has become obvious that Jojanneke her TV show is far from objective, it was a set-up for Gert-Jan Segers to do another attack on prostitution using a ‘pimp ban’ as a disguise. Pimps however are already criminals if they do any of the things Gert-Jan Segers describes, due to the human trafficking law, so he’s really after something else.

His last attempt last year failed, now with Jojanneke her program he’s doing a second attempt to attack prostitution. He pretends to care about the prostitutes, but in reality only cares about his religion and his own morals.

I mean, isn’t it super surprising that exactly when Jojanneke her show is being broadcasted, just at that moment he comes up with this? You can’t tell me this wasn’t planned. The episode to which he’s actually referring hasn’t even aired yet, but will be aired tonight. Segers is using an episode that will be aired tonight as a propaganda tool to pass this new law. He using the push this program will give him, the media exposure, the attention, the extra push he needs to pass this law. Don't let this law pass, since it doesn't criminalize anything that isn't criminal already, accept the people we don't want to become criminals, like my brothel owner or my loved ones. This law is no attack on the abuses in prostitution, it's an attack on prostitution itself below the belt.

(Update 22/01/2015 17:38: In the original article it was mentioned incorrectly that the pimp ban was lifted already in 1982/1983. This however turned out to be not correct after a tip from CKM on Twitter. In 1982/1983 there was a law proposal to lift the pimp ban, but this proposal was withdrawn in 1993, and finally got lifted in 2000 together with the brothel ban. With thanks to CKM for this correction).

Dutch version

Oh the Wonderful Things Kids Say

These wilds, I tell you true- they are funny! They are sensitive and wise and say the absolute best stuff. While I may have a terrible memory and am pretty quick to forget, I've been trying to write down a few- to hopefully remember someday. 

So here goes. . .

Zain was quizzing my Mom about why she has a christmas tree still up, and she was trying to explain that it's not just a christmas tree, She said- "it's uh, well it's a," confused and yet so badly wanting to help he says "What is it, an oak?"

Isaac- "Everybody thinks I'm a girl." True story, he's just so stinkin beautiful! Even if we shaved all his hair off I think people would still ask.

Aussie was reading a supposed inspirational poster about parenting hanging on the wall at her piano lessons- the list had all sorts of rules- take them to the movies in their pajamas, laugh often, bake cookies, you know the type. She finished reading it and said, " that's crazy! You do what you can the best you can." Amen sister, Amen.

While watching Andy Griffith (or Andy Giffins as they say) Zain mentioned how pretty one of the girls was "but not as pretty as you mama, you have that long blonde hair." Ha, that sweet boy, never wanting me to feel less.

Eleanor "Yeah" Ok, I get it, that doesn't seem like a big deal to you, but trust me, after months of only hearing "MO" its a welcome reprieve!

When telling a story to the kiddos one night, I said "When the moon is full I turn into a special kind of Mom-" I was getting ready to describe how I get flying powers or how I can spit snot balls, when Isaac said "you're always a special kind of mama." and I melt.

Aussie telling her friends that she was excited because I was cooking "toe food" Ummmm, well, it's tofu.

Zain telling his Grammy that she's a "great gal"- where do they come up with this stuff?

Improving sex workers rights: Housing

A lot of journalists always ask me what would need to improve for sex workers rights. And since I get that question asked so many times, I though it would be a good idea to make a list of them. The list not only explains what would need to change, but also how it improves sex workers rights, and even how it fights human trafficking.
Because as opposed to what many people believe, sex workers rights and fighting human trafficking (exploitation and coerced prostitution), go hand in hand. After all, also freeing the slaves during the slavery happened by giving people more rights, and not by limiting their options.
In this first episode we'll talk about housing, and how stopping discrimination against sex workers on the house marker can not only improve their position, but even fight human trafficking!

Housing
The problem?
Having a place to live is one of the most basic human rights. Still most sex workers are being refused by house owners and real estate agencies. They are scared to associate themselves with prostitution, due to the bad image. They're either scared we'll attract 'scare looking people', or that it will get them involved with crimes such as human trafficking and money laundering. This is the stigma of sex workers.
This causes sex workers to have huge difficulties to find a place to live. Most people will refuse you, and only a handful of people are willing to rent you an apartment or a house. Those people that are willing to rent you a place to live basically fall into two categories:

1. People that don't have a problem with sex workers
2. Slum landlords that know the problems sex workers have and know they are vulnerable enough to take advantage of.

The people that don't have problem with sex workers are great. They are often kind and understanding about your situation, but are rare to find. The second type however is a different story. They are the slum landlords that provide bad quality housing, often with old/broken furniture, a mouse plague, broken dishwashers/wash machines/kitchens etc. They ask a high price for their overpriced shitty apartments, but they also know sex workers are desperate for a place to live, so they don't have much of a choice and are willing to pay the high price. Also these slum landlords often have problems with the government for their poor quality (sometimes even dangerous) housings.

The problems to find housing for sex workers often causes immigrant sex workers from for instance Romania and Bulgaria to live together, since they can't all find a place to live. Often the police sees foreign sex workers from Bulgaria and Romania living together as a 'sign of trafficking', while in fact it's a sign of discrimination against sex workers from real estate agents and landlords.

(An example of how we got refused from one of our many searches for a place to live)

How to fight this problem?
Actually it's very simple. The government should not allow house owners, landlords and real estate agents to discriminate against sex workers. This problem has already existed since the day prostitution got legalized here, and has already been mentioned many times, but in 15 years time the government has done nothing about this. I've heard both mayor Eberhard van de Laan and minister Opstelten talk about this many times, yet they have done nothing about it thus far, and in stead have only done things to make our lives more difficult with more regulation and closing down more workplaces, forcing many sex workers either to leave the country for other countries where again the chance exists that they could become victims of trafficking, or forcing them into illegal prostitution, with again a chance of becoming victims of trafficking. In short, they almost seem to want to make us (real) victims of human trafficking.

The solution however lies within not discriminating people based on their profession, as long as it's a legal profession of course. That way sex workers would not be refused a place to live, sex workers would more easily be able to find a place to live, this would prevent sex workers from foreign countries to seek help from traffickers who want to exploit them, and it would cause less foreign sex workers to live together as they do now, making it more easy to be able to separate them from the real victims who also often live together. It's a very simple thing, if you increase the contrast between those that are victims and those that are not, it becomes easier to see who are the real victims.

How it fights human trafficking?
Human trafficking for the largest part exists out of exploitation rather than coercion. And the reason why people are being exploited, is because they require help with things the government doesn't help us with. Simple things such as housing. Like I said, sex workers are often being refused by landlords and real estate agencies. This causes sex workers to have huge difficulties to find a place to live.
Now, for Dutch sex workers this is difficult already, but not a problem they can't handle themselves. After all, they're Dutch, they know the language and they can be creative in their solutions, due to the fact that it's their own country.

Now imagine a sex worker from Romania or Bulgaria. Not familiar with the Dutch or English language, making it already difficult to find a place to live. And even if they do find a possible place to live, they get refused 90% of the time. So they need help with this. Just like any other immigrant needs help from locals to find a place to live.
But even if you would be able to find a place to live, with someone that accepts your job, they still want prove of your income, that you're able to pay for it. But of course, that's impossible, since they haven't started working yet, therefore their only income was the previous income from their home country, which obviously isn't sufficient enough to support the rent.

To give you an example: Most of the apartments in which I lived thus far were around 1500 euro rent a month. That's an average price for an apartment in the center of Amsterdam. You could of course argue that you could also live further away from the center, but than again, how are you going to get home in the middle of the night all alone?
Yeah, you can get a taxi, but paying a taxi each day to go back from work, in the end costs more than it saves money on your rent. In short, it's cheaper to pay 1500 euro rent a month, than to pay less for an apartment but in the end pay more for your transport back home.
Now, when you rent an apartment, they'll ask you pay of course the month's rent, plus one month ahead plus one months rent worth for the agency. In short, you pay for the first time you rent an apartment 3 times the rent, which comes down to 4500 euro.
Now, when you imagine that the average income for someone form Romania or Bulgaria is somewhere around 200 euro a month, you'll see what the problem is. They simply cannot afford this. And that is assuming that you actually found an apartment which the owner is willing to rent out to a sex worker, and assuming that the owner won't mind the fact that you don't have a fixed income or any guarantees to give regarding your income, after all you haven't worked a single day yet.

Right now the help to find a place to live for foreign sex workers often gets provided by people who are seeking to exploit sex workers. After all, they know sex workers from Eastern Europe need help with this, and the Dutch government does nothing to stop this discrimination, therefore they offer their help to find a place to live, but obviously with the intention to exploit the sex worker. In short, they fill in the gap that the government created by not fighting the discrimination against sex workers. They help the sex workers from for instance Romania and Bulgaria to find a place to live in exchange for a part of their income (usually a 50/50 deal), these are human traffickers.
Now the people that accept these kind of constructions with housing, are usually the slum landlords. They too know sex workers from Eastern Europe are desperate for a place to live, they know they can offer them the most shitty apartment imaginable, since they will already be very happy to have found one at all! Prices for these shitty (and often dangerous) apartments range from 1500 to 2000 euro, a price the trafficker will pay, and the exploited prostitute will have to earn back.

Fortunately there are many sex workers that are willing to help other girls to find a place to live. But fact is that they can't, due to the discrimination. So what happens is that often girls help each other to come here, they offer their own place to live (for free) as a solution until the girl can pay for her own apartment. Of course, this creates situations in where girls live together, which according to the police, is again a sign of human trafficking.
But than again, how else are girls supposed to move here, without help from anyone without being suspicious? There is simply no way! Even if you have all the money in the world, people often don't accept your job, and you're not familiar enough with the country to be able to figure things out for yourself. Girls simply need help, without it it's impossible. And fact is that many girls offer other girls help, but even than the police nowadays are starting to see the girls helping other girls as 'human traffickers', because they are helping with the immigration, which is according to the human trafficking law (273f) human trafficking!
As you see, there's no escape from it. Whatever you do, however you want to, there's no escape from either really becoming a victim, or the police 'thinking' that you're a victim, because you shows signs that are similar to those that are real victims. And fact is, that most girls, 'technically' speaking, are as much victim of human trafficking as they are also human traffickers themselves. But that;s only due to the fact that the current human trafficking law forbids any help one offers to the immigration of sex workers.

In short, if you really want to fight human trafficking, and if you really care that much about prostitutes, than the choice should be very simple. Don't discriminate sex workers. It not only makes their lives more difficult with finding a place to live, it even pushes them into the hands of human traffickers who greedily take advantage of the gap the government has created, to exploit them.
Furthermore, it would also solve the problem of groups of sex workers living together that are not victims, since every sex worker would be able to find a place to live without problems. Thereby increasing the contrast between those sex workers that ARE victims, and ARE living in one group in one house, because for example they are forced.

The more you increase the difference between those that are not forced and those that are, the easier it becomes to see who are really forced and who are not. But in order to create this contrast, you would first need to give sex workers the rights they (and every other human being) deserve. A place to live!

Dutch version