To the love o' my life

Happy Birthday!!

Not to rub it in or anything-but can you believe you are 33. It's truly wild to think we've been married for near a decade. On the one hand, I still feel like were just kids- invincible, a little lost, us against the world- and all that jazz. Yet on the flip side- I feel so settled, so secure. I guess that's what being in love is really all about. Regardless of circumstance, where a bouts, time and dare I say it. . .age- we have each other. As long as I'm on this crazy journey with you, well then, life is right.

This is going to be a good year for you, for us, I just know it. I mean come on- you've got a beard! And it's only taken you a few months to grow it:) you have officially arrived, sailing into manhood and not a moment to late.

I am hopelessly and forever yours. I love you so much and I'm so proud of the man you are. I'm honored to be your wife, and fine, I'll just say it- let's grow old together, you and I.

looking forward

It is with a mixture of excitement and woe that we finally arrived home. The trip was so good. It was good for our spirits for our souls and our family. 

As we took that sharp right and headed up our driveway and got that first glimpse of home, our home, there was delight there. It's a good home, filled with so much love and happiness. Only the tiniest nagging in the back of the mind, pulling it back to far away places and the ease and freedom only vacation can bring.

On our last day there, Aussie and I strolled hand in hand along the beach. Together we made list of all the things we were excited for when we got home. For me, it was fall. I'm finally ready. Bring on the chill! Let's get a roaring fire going and snuggle up under thick blankets while we chatter about and drink mulled wine. I'm ready to break out the hay bales and pumpkins and adorn the porch in it's red and orange autumn get-up. Fill my planters to the brim with substantial cabbages, cheerful oxalis, and of course mums.

I'm also feverishly looking forward to hunting season. Part of even attempting homesteading is eating from the land. So in keeping, Kaleb and I have both become hunters of sorts. For me it's the most lovely time. I get to be alone, which is a rare and beautiful occurrence, I get to read (oh how completely blissful) and I get to be out in nature. Wholly surrounded by God's creative and artistically painted picture.

Finally, and this is not so much fall related, just a by product of vacation, I'm all a flutter to love myself a little bit more. Take a hot minute and place some extra attention on taking care of myself. Drink some water, hit up the gym, paint my nails- little things that make a whole world of difference in how I feel.

I think the lot of us came home renewed. A fresh start of sorts to find our way, or forge new paths. New energy and ideas swirling about, mixing effortlessly with broken in routines and goals. I know the kids at least are happy to be home. They have run all over this farm and look exactly the way farm kids should-covered in dirt head to toe, with big ole grins covering their tan little cheeks.

It's going to be good. I can feel a shift in the air, a clearing coming- and we are ready!

p.s.- We love us some mulled wine, it is so so good! I always use the Barefoot Contessa recipe here, and cut it in half. It's the perfect drink for fall!

City center council meeting: Q&A

This is the third and last part about the Amsterdam city center council meeting. You can read the first part here. In this part I will answer the most important questions the politicians themselves asked during this meeting, which regards improving the position of sex workers, the waterbed effect moving into illegal prostitution, and how big the problem of PTSD is.

For those of you that wish to look back the entire meeting, you can watch it back online on this link.

Here goes:

I would also like to take the opportunity to answer some of the questions some of the politicians asked during this meeting. These questions have already been answered by Yolanda van Doeveren, but as you can see her information isn't always good, so I'll take this opportunity to answer some of these questions coming from a prostitute herself, rather then a propaganda instrument from a city government that's goal it is to reduce prostitution windows under false pretenses.

Questions from mr. Alexander Hammelburg (D66):
What are some of the more concrete things you're doing to improve the position of sex workers?
Basically not much. The city government is primarily working on offering help to victims, but thusfar the city government and the prostitution program hasn't done much about improving our position. We still have trouble to open normal bank accounts, let alone getting a business bank account (although Yolanda van Doeveren makes it sound like this isn't a problem anymore). Getting a loan or a mortgage however is still out of the question. My last attempt to get a mortgage for a house for me and my boyfriend stranded after trying with 12 different banks.
A large part of improving the position of sex workers has to do with the image prostitution has. That image is right now extremely negative, since people immediately associate prostitution with girls being forced and human trafficking, or dirty, sleazy disgusting women with no values for their own life or hygiene.
Ironically the city government itself plays a large role in the negative image surrounding prostitution. Their constant hammering on the problems of human trafficking, which really isn't as big as they claim, and reducing windows in the Red Light District, has caused the general opinion of people to be very negative towards prostitution. Amsterdam's Red Light District is the public face of prostitution in Holland, and by giving off such a negative image about prostitution here (which is far from reality might I add), reflects on the entire prostitution industry in Holland itself. A mayor that keeps closing down windows, publicly stating he's doing this to reduce the huge amounts of girls being forced in our industry, is not only a pure lie, it stigmatizes prostitutes as victims, gives the entire industry a bad name, and causes the position of prostitutes to become more unstable.
Yes, there are girls working in this industry who are forced, this is however a very small part of all of the prostitutes, although nobody can tell exactly how many. Most cases about human trafficking however do not revolve around forced girls, but exploited girls, girls that were financially exploited but the choice to do this job was one of their own. In reality you'll find girls that are really forced are really hard to find, simply because there are just not that many of them around. Girls who are being exploited are a bigger problem, one to which I already explained exactly how it worked, and how to solve it, in this post here.

Could you tell us a little bit more about the 'klankbordgroep' of sex workers, the thinking machine and co-creators of this policy?
Yes, this group is very small, and very few girls from the prostitution industry are involved, let alone know about it's existence. Calling the group the 'co-creators and thinking machine' of this policy would be laughable, since it's a group of around 20 women, which is about 0.5% of the (lowest) estimated prostitutes working in Amsterdam, and not even 2,5% (if all of them would be window prostitutes) of the 900 window prostitutes.
Truth is, most prostitutes have very little knowledge about what's going on. This is partially because many women don't care, because they don't want to bother themselves with politics. But for the largest part because the city government doesn't inform them on what's happening, nor do many prostitutes know that there is this 'klankbordgroep'.

By the way Alexander, if you really think the prostitution industry is such a shady, hidden world, perhaps you should come and talk to us, in stead of Yolanda, perhaps that would improve your view on this industry. My idea is that you think this world is very shady, because lots of people talk very shady about it, to keep you in the dark about the realities of this industry. Come and talk to us, and you'll see we're just as shady as you are.

Questions from miss. Eva de Vries (D66):
Regarding the renting of windows on a daily base, and basically agreeing to a contract every day. Have the window renting conditions been improved?
As you can read here in my previous post extensively, the conditions to renting a window aren't as bad as you've been told. The city government did have something to do with the brothel owners offering us now a 2 months vacation period to take free, so in this case indeed they have improved. But don't worry, we're not stuck to a contract of any kind, we're free to go when and where we want.

Questions from mr. Michiel Wetzer (SP):
I wonder about the waterbed effect, sex workers that are moving into illegal prostitution as a result of the normalization.
A very good question, but let me adjust it a little bit. Indeed there are many girls moving into illegal prostitution, although Yolanda van Doeveren denies this by claiming 'we don't see many window girls for example moving into illegal massage salons'. Indeed you won't find many window prostitutes moving into illegal massage salons, and why would they? Behind the windows they're their own boss, and nobody tells them what to do or how to work. Working for a massage salon however (legal or illegal), means you work for a boss, something most window prostitutes really don't want. So indeed not many window prostitutes end up in illegal massage salons, you'll probably find them more moving into illegal home prostitution, or renting an apartment specifically to work in as an illegal prostitute.
Not too long ago the EO their show Dit Is De Dag spend some time covering this subject (view the episode here). And although they've tried to make illegal prostitution look very shady and unsafe, the position of the women seen in this documentary isn't that bad at all.
Also recent numbers show an increase in the numbers of illegal prostitutes growing, and although many will still deny it at this moment, some of these women are indeed former window prostitutes.
The mistake in your question is actually assuming that this waterbed effect is due to the normalization, because this is only the reason for a few women. A bigger reason for more women to move into illegal prostitution, is because there are simply less legal workplaces then before, because more and more windows keep closing down, as is the case in Amsterdam as well. Last year 300 women lost their legal workplace in Utrecht, Amsterdam itself already closed down 109 windows, nationally more then 600 legal prostitution windows have been closed, and in total 1/3 of all the legal workplaces for prostitutes have been closed down since the regulation in 2000. In other words, the numbers of places a girl can work legal are decreasing enormously. These women don't just stop this job, since they have very legit reasons for doing this work. Therefor you'll see many girls moving into illegal prostitution, since there are less and less legal places they can execute this work.
Expect illegal prostitution to be growing exponentially as long as city governments keep deciding to close down the few legal places for prostitution that are left.

Questions from mr. Roeland Rengelink (PVDA):
I've heard from the doctors and nursus at the P&G 292 that many prostitutes have PTSD, because if that's the case it's not the question anymore of how many women are victims of trafficking, but then the entire industry would be extremely unhealthy.
Ah, what else could I have guessed coming from the PVDA, but a negative sneer to try and make prostitution look as negative as possible. Although prostitution can be a stressful job, I doubt that many prostitutes would have a PTSD, for the very simple reason: where would we need to get this from? We should get PTSD from getting fucked? If that would be the case, then sex on itself could be considered unhealthy. Are you going to try and make sex look bad as well now?
Fact is that the P&G 292 for most girls is just a place to do the SOA test. The people at the P&G 292 don't examine the girls who just come for a check up on PTSD. I guess the girls who have been examined for PTSD, had a good reason to be examined, which is because they were a victim of something, for instance human trafficking.
But assuming that a PTSD comes from this job is even taking it one step to far. PTSD can come from many things not related to prostitution, that can still happen to prostitutes. So just because a prostitute has PTSD, doesn't automatically mean she got it from this job. And I sincerely doubt many girls would get PTSD from doing this job in the first place.
But let's just assume for a second that they would get PTSD from this work. Would that be a reason to call this industry 'unhealthy'? And would unhealthy be a reason not to support this profession anymore? After all, the largest group of people with PTSD are people from the army, a job not only supported, but even constructed by the government. Should we just quit the army, because soldiers have a big chance of getting PTSD? I don't think so. And do you call being a solder an unhealthy profession? I guess you could say that, but then again that would be kind of a weird argument, since I think a lot of people think very positive about soldiers.
Stop trying to find reasons to make prostitution look bad, and pay more attention to both the positive and the negative sides. You seem purely focused on condemning prostitution as a negative thing, and that way prostitutes will never become independent and 'empowered' women, and it will certainly not help any victims.
Yolanda van Doeveren made it sound in her answer like we're having sex with every client that comes along, by her statement: 'if you calculate how many clients a prostitute needs to make some money, you even cannot imagine how that would work physically'. Fact is that we don't have so much actual sex with our customers as people often assume. So it's not like you're fucking with every client that comes along. I wrote extensively about our customers and what actually happens inside here. Some clients don't have the intention to have sex, most do, but then again most of them can't even get it hard to have sex with. In the end you don't even have sex with half of your clients.

Questions from mr. Alexander Hammelburg (D66):
What is the status of the corporation of sex workers in development itself?
An excellent question, since most prostitutes have no idea this thing even exist. In fact, I even wonder if this is really happening at all. I've read in an article from Ilonka Stakelborough, that her foundation Geisha is working on that, and I think this is what Yolanda van Doeveren is talking about.
But then again, the article also mentions something about working contracts that are completely false, like I explained in the first post here. And Ilonka Stakelborough also often mentions she has contact with over 600 prostitutes, yet nobody in the sex industry has contact with this woman. I've tried a couple of times to get in touch with her, but she seemed reluctant to be in contact with me.
Honestly I think this corporation is just a project Ilonka claims to be working on, in order to receive funding. In reality however I don't think she's really setting something up. No women from the Red Light District are involved with this as far as I know, nor could anyone else point me to any women being involved with this.
In short, the status is dead. If they are really working on a corporation, I'd like to see some actual proof of that, besides claims from people that often make false claims. Who are these women that are involved with the corporation? Names, numbers, anything?!

These are some of the major points I've picked out from the meeting, of course there might be some smaller things I've missed, and there was also some good information. For example Yolanda van Doeveren mentioned that the new rules the city government set up for the brothel owners are really strict, and it's a lot of work for the brothel owners to implement all of these rules in their company, and she also mentions that the brothel owners are all working very hard on this with good results (quite the opposite from the image we got from the mayor, like I wrote about in my last post here).

Read here part 1 about our working contracts and conditions.
Read here part 2 about the our involvement in the policies.

Dutch version

City center council meeting: The co-creators of this policy

This is the second part about the Amsterdam city center council meeting, you can read part 1 here. In this part I will talk about the co-creators of this prostitution policy, the prostitutes themselves, and how much we were really involved in the making of these policies. I will also discuss here the part about improving the position of sex workers and empowering them, and what the city government in reality does about that, and about prevention.

For those of you that wish to look back the entire meeting, you can watch it back online on this link. I'll also put a time frame at my mentions, so you can keep track of what part of the meeting I'm talking about exactly.

Here goes:

Yolanda van Doeveren also mentioned that they've talked with many prostitutes (1.17.41). Of course I don't know what she calls 'many', but I've never even heard of her or her entire 'prostitution program' before the start of this meeting, and I'm almost 100% sure the other girls that work with me didn't talk with them either, so I wonder who the hell she did talk with.
She mentions that it's very 'unique' in Holland that prostitutes 'in large numbers' have been actively involved with the creation of the policies regarding prostitution in Amsterdam, a co-creation she calls it. I think she means the monthly meeting at the P&G 292, a meeting most prostitutes don't even know exists, and monthly gets visited by around 5 to 20 prostitutes. Thinking about the roughly 7000 to 4000 estimated prostitutes in Amsterdam, and the 900 prostitutes working behind the windows, around 20 girls is hardly something I would call 'large number of prostitutes. Yolanda van Doeveren makes it sound like the prostitutes have been involved on a large scale with the creation of these policies, but I can assure you that's very far from the truth.
I often see people claim things about their contact with prostitutes. Some people complain that it's hard to get in touch with prostitutes. Partially that's true, not many girls give a damn about what other people have to say about us, all they care about is making money. But then again, if you never go out in the nights (when most of the women work) to come to us, then the chance to get in touch with us is pretty small. After all, most of the girls behind the windows don't speak Dutch, they don't follow the Dutch news and they're not interested to look up things about their job in their spare time. It's a typical example of how most of the girls like to keep their work and private life separated, and one of the major reasons I don't target my blog to my colleagues, since I'll know that 99% of them will never even start to look for it.
Other people always claim they have good contacts with many prostitutes, they know them intimately and often also personally. A good example of someone like this is Frits Rouvoet for example. These people always think they know everything that's going on with us, because they talk to a few girls. In reality however the number of girls they talk to are often exaggerated in order to give their claims more value. Fact is, that especially Romanian and Bulgarian women, really don't give a fuck about what other people say. They're not interested in what you have to say, and often will refuse to talk with you, because they just don't give a fuck. They're unfortunately not really like me, even though I wish they would be a bit more like me and would care a little bit more about how people treat us.
As for the case of Frits Rouvoet, I still haven't seen him, I guess his invisibility cloak is doing a really good job to avoid him from being seen by me. I did talk to some other girls though that did speak with him. Most girls mentioned that 'this idiot', as they called him, sometimes comes to them with roses or other small presents. Most of them simply ignore him, or pretend to be on the phone when he comes. Most of the girls really 'weren't interested in his bullshit', as they put it.
I guess the ones that are interested to talk with him, are the ones that are looking for help, which could explain why in his vision most girls are forced, since they're looking for someone to help them, and those are mainly the only ones he talks to. The other girls simply don't give a fuck about him or 'his bullshit'. Just so you guys know what's going on.

Yolanda van Doeveren also spoke about improving the position of sex workers and 'empowerment' (1.16.50). In reality however this mostly comes down to helping out victims, which is something that has nothing to do with 90% of the sex workers. After all, in what way is a prostitute who is not a victim 'empowered' or gets her position 'improved' by victim support? We are not victims. Why would I need victim support? That's not empowering me, that's just aiding help to victims, and falls under fighting trafficking, not under empowerment and improving my position.
Yolanda talks about how prostitutes have a bad position when it comes to negotiating the prices for our workplaces. But then again, who gave the window owners this monopoly position in the first place? The window owners have virtually no competition, meaning they can ask any price they want, since the city government keeps closing down windows. They know we're desperate for a workplace, and will pay almost any price they ask, since these are some of the few remaining legal workplaces for prostitutes. Also the closing down of windows in the past has only caused the prices for workplaces to rise at those times, so if there's one person responsible for those 'insanely' high window prices, it's the city government itself.
Though, in the past 4 and a half year that I've been working here, the prices have gone up with only 10 euro, something that I wouldn't call exactly a shocking amount. Let's face it, all prices constantly go up, and considering 10 euro in 4 years time, based upon 150 euro, isn't very much.

Yolanda van Doeveren also talked about prevention (1.19.27), and with that obviously she's talking about preventing women from becoming victims of human trafficking. In reality however things come down more to preventing women from entering prostitution in the first place, which is also the reason why they call it the barrier model, which I still think is a weird idea for something that's considered a legal job. Their idea is that if they do an intake interview with a girl, that this will prevent human trafficking. Unfortunately she's sadly mistaking.
If a girl comes to you and would be a victim, she already is a victim, so you're not preventing anything, you're just stopping it from happening on your doorstep. Those girls that are forced will just be pushed by their pimp to go somewhere else, to another country perhaps, or to another city, or work in illegal prostitution. You're not preventing human trafficking in this way, you're just pushing them somewhere else, to make it someone else his problem.
But more importantly, the intake interview itself is laughable. I did the intake interview with my office, and if they can figure out if I'm forced or not based on those questions, I'll give them all a brand new Ferrari. Fact is, it's virtually impossible to find out through an intake interview if a girl is being forced or not, especially with these stupid questions. And let's be honest, even if a girl would be forced, she would never say this in an interview.
Preventing girls from becoming victims of human trafficking (which for the largest part exists out of women being exploited and not so much really forced), doesn't start with making it more difficult for them to come to work here. It starts by providing good, legal and safe alternatives to the services the human traffickers now offer. Like I explained in this blog before, most girls that are victims of human trafficking, are girls that need these traffickers to help them out to get started over here. If the government would provide these girls with help to get started over here, most of these girls wouldn't need the help of these traffickers, and would've prevented most of the trafficking simply by providing a service.

Another interesting thing Yolanda van Doeveren mentioned quickly, was that according to her there are more human trafficking cases in court then before (1.15.40), and also the number of investigations has gone up incredibly much. This is however completely the opposite of what her own report shows, as I've explained in detail already in this post here. The number of girls pressing charges from 2012 to 2013 (which is the period she is talking about), has dropped from 124 to only 32 (74% less). The number of suspects has dropped from 35 to 21 (40% less). Also the number of investigations has dropped from 195 to 72 (63% less).
So I don't know if Yolanda read her own report, but what she states is completely the opposite of reality, and completely the opposite of what her own report says about it. In fact, every number in her report regarding human trafficking show's an incredible decrease, which is quite the opposite of what she's saying here.

Read here part 1 about our working contracts and conditions.
Read here part 3 with the answers to some of the most important questions the politicians had.

Dutch version

City center council meeting: Working contracts

So a couple of weeks ago the city center council of Amsterdam had a meeting regarding the progress on project 1012. The project that was designed to reduce 'criminogene' activities and upgrade the city's center by removing 'low economic valued' companies and replacing them with high class businesses, had for long been a discussion in Amsterdam.
The city council has always proclaimed the project was about gaining back control in the Amsterdam Red Light District, taking back control from the criminals, from the mob, from the human traffickers and pimps. In reality the project has always been a project to reduce the Red Light District area with it's window prostitution and coffeeshops with 40%, in hopes of attracting a different type of tourist.
Prostitution windows have been closed under the pretenses of 'fighting human trafficking', but in reality is nothing more then an attempt to reduce the Red Light District area itself and the tourists that visit it.

Thusfar 109 prostitution windows have been closed down (or actually bought for 31 million euro), under the claim of fighting human trafficking. In reality many women lost one of the few still legal workplaces for prostitutes in this country, and were left unattended for by the city government. Where these women are now nobody knows, but with the recent closing of 150 windows in Utrecht, and more windows threatened to close in Amsterdam (read here), it's not hard to guess where these women went to. Many left the country in favor of other countries that offer a safe haven for prostitution, like Germany. Many others continued their work in illegal prostitution, something that only recently have come to the attention of the authorities.

During the meeting, that was open to the public, director of the Amsterdam prostitution program Yolanda van Doeveren was there to explain the city center council what she's been doing with her program and what the results were. I listened closely to what she had to say, with the help of my boyfriend, and was shocked. Some of the things she says are completely true, other things however seemed to have been pure propaganda from the mayor, to ensure his project 1012 wasn't at risk.
Another thing that shocked me, was the complete lack of information and knowledge the politicians had regarding prostitution. They seem to have no idea even how things work, let alone that they could spot the (many) false pieces of information that was given out to them in order to deceive them.

For those of you that wish to look back the entire meeting, you can watch it back online on this link. I'll also put a time frame at my mentions, so you can keep track of what part of the meeting I'm talking about exactly. I've also split the entire meeting into three parts, since the meeting was over 3 hours long, and I wanted to make sure I made everything very clear to everyone. This part will focus on the working contracts, check at the bottom of this posts for the second part about the involvement of the prostitutes itself with the policy and the third part in where I answer some of the questions the politicians had directly.
Here comes the first part:

One of the biggest pieces of misinformation was about working contracts (1.39:10). Yolanda van Doeveren explained women working behind the windows rent their rooms day by day, and this is absolutely true. But then she claimed something that is completely false. She claimed that window owners make contracts with prostitutes that are for a longer period then just one day, mostly one week.
I think Yolanda van Doeveren has been talking and listening too much to Ilonka Stakelborough, because I recognize this from a newspaper article from a while back, which I also wrote about on my blog here. But since some things have changed a bit, let me make it one more time really clear.
There are NO contracts. All women in the Red Light District rent their windows on a day by day base. Prostitutes can get a fixed room for themselves, in which case the window owner will reserve that particular window just for that girl, but under no circumstances are contracts being signed or made.

Getting a fixed room for yourself means basically nothing more that the window owner won't rent out the window to another girl. And of course, if you don't show up (for whatever reason), and the window owner was counting on you, and the next day you show up again, then indeed you have to pay for that room if you want the same room again. If you don't show up anymore, you don't have to pay.
Actually it's a very simple deal. If you have a fixed room, the rooms is yours as long as you pay for it. If you don't pay for the room anymore (because you didn't show up for example), you loose the room. Of course you can still get another room, but in no way are girls held back to quit this job, or otherwise take a day off without paying for it.
But even if you want to take a day off without risking to loose you own room afterwards, the window owner provides plenty of services. Let's say you have your own room, and you don't want to work 7 days. The window owner allows you to take two free days a week without paying for it, and without loosing the room. If you want to get a break from work for a longer period, for example to go on vacation, the window owner allows you besides those two free days a week, the opportunity to take up to maximum two months(!) of free days.

In reality this basically comes down to the fact that most girls who have a fixed room, take one or two free days a week. When they go on vacation they just tell this to their office, and they can take two months free. If they wish to take more then two months free, and still want to come back to their own room, they can do that if they pay for the room during the period that extends the two months. Of course they can also choose not to, no problem at all, but then there's a chance that another girl will have the room when they get back, and the girl will have to rent a different room.
But let me make things very clear to everyone, that under no circumstances are girls held back by contracts to quit this job, because they have their own room. If they want, they can quit any minute of the day. And even if you rent your room, that still doesn't mean you actually have to work, just as long as you pay for the room, the window owner doesn't care if you're working or not.
Yolanda van Doeveren her claim that in reality many women work 7 days a week, because they have to pay for their room seven days a week, is completely false, it isn't even allowed anymore to work 7 days a week. These women can take two free days a week, and if they get sick, they can just take a week off without having to pay for it, without loosing the room.

This is it for the first part. The meeting was over 3 hours long, and I wanted to make sure that the things I wrote down here are absolutely clear to everyone, so there can be no mistakes regarding the answers. I've split the entire meeting into three parts.

Read here part 2 about the our involvement in the policies.
Read here part 3 with the answers to the most important questions from politicians.

Dutch version

my mister beggetio

My baby boy or maybe more appropriately, my little man, is turning six years old today. As a mother each birthday breaks my heart just the tiniest bit. I become frantic, scrambling. Seeking for some way to slow down time, or stop it altogether- just for a spell. To stay in this season, where I can hold them and touch their sweet faces. This span that he and I snuggle and explore and I am his world. 

I do realize though the beauty that comes with the evolution. The changing of babe to boy to man. To watch them grow and change, to get to be a spectator, to play a role in his story- it is an honor beyond comprehension.

This kid is good. He is kind and incredibly sensitive. To guard his heart you must tread lightly and handle him with ease and grace. He is rough and tumble, full of never ceasing energy and excitement. He is brave and adventurous, shy and reserved. 

Zain means 'light of God' and he is just that- a light to all who meet him. Happy Birthday my sweet boy, I will love you always.

the half-way point

We have officially been at the beach a full week today. It has swiftly passed by and I could not be more thankful that we still have another week left. We are just not ready to go home.

The sand and the salt combined with the sting of the sea water have been a balm. Cleansing and refreshing. Washing away the disappointment and worry of the past few months. 

Also, let me just say how much I love my sweet husband. I am so thankful for the strong and attentive father that he is. Poor man has been so sick yet still spent over an hour today pulling our wilds on a boogie board.

It was so entertaining. I snapped away and cheered and laughed, all the while Eleanor is fussing and screaming "mine, mine." I'm not sure where she got this mine business, but seriously it's a bit much. She has been quite a handful on this trip, but then you pick her up and she starts patting you on the back and whispers "mine" and well, somehow the world is right again.

As I watched Kaleb throughout the day, continue to give and do and help and hold. A sense of calm came over me. Yeah things have not been working out the way we planned, that happens, but I know it's going to be ok. I would follow this man anywhere, and I know with him at the helm we will be just fine.

sand and sun

Thus far our holiday has been pretty amazing. Everything I hoped it could and would be. The wilds are loving every moment of it, and I'm not sure if they will ever be ready to leave. I have been soaking up every minute and have completely failed to document any of it. So today, I made myself grab the camera. I feverishly clicked away, not wanting to let another day slip away unphotographed. 

We started the day at our favorite coffee spot, Grayt Grounds. It has these beautiful eclectic gardens, with small pebbled pathways winding between flowering arches and quaint hideaways. They serve a gouda grit breakfast bowl, that is hands down one of the best things I've ever eaten. We crave them and wait all year to go back for more.

Kaleb and I have both been fighting off colds, which is annoying. So yesterday I went to a health food store to get some cold medicine, instead they gave me a shot called the heat wave. It's a mixture of ginger, lemon, cayenne pepper and garlic. It looks like melted butter and tastes horrible.  It burns all the way down, but it opens you up and I felt better the next day. Naturally, I forced Kaleb to go and get one today!

We decided to forgo the beach this morning, and let little Eleanor have a nap. She has been such a trooper but she is truly exhausted. We tucked her in, and headed outside to surprise Zain with an early birthday present.

We had been wanting to give slack lining a go for some time, and thought Zain would love it. Pretty much anything that doubles as American Ninja Warrior training, is going to be a hit with our bugs. It is awesome! If they enjoy it even half as much as Kaleb and I do, then it's a success.

After lunch, we finally made it to the beach. It's been interesting to watch our boys this week. Our kiddos have always been close and usually play great together, but the boys have become inseparable little buddies, and it's so sweet to watch. I hope that it flows into a constant and they will always remain so.

A couple days ago, the bugs befriended the sweetest couple. Their own grandkids hadn't been able to make it this year, so they took to ours as replacements. The man had promised he would meet us today to build a sand castle, and he came prepared. He had bought them tools and toys and even made flags that they could each decorate.

We planned, engineered and constructed all afternoon and into the evening, but it was a masterpiece. Complete with a covered entrance and decorated with every shell we could unearth.

We left the beach as the sun was setting, grabbed some boiled shrimp and headed to our pool to finish out the day. Needless to say, we are completely and totally spent. And all I can think of is doing it again tomorrow!

p.s. I realize I'm not in any of these photos. I so hoped, this blog would force me to be in more photos, so there might be some record that I was around, that I existed. Thus far, it's not really panned out. I have really got to teach that man of mine how to use a camera!

p.s.s. Anybody have any tips for hair at the beach? Seriously, I may as well have a bale of hay for hair right now!

ebb and flow

We finally made it to the beach! We have had our little vacation booked since this winter, and have quietly been counting down the days. This getaway could not have come at a better time. Our little clan has been in desperate need of a change of scenery. Kaleb and I are praying that this will be a time of clarity, renewed hope, and relaxation.

Today was the loveliest day! We spent the lions share of it playing in the surf, building sand tunnels, boogie boarding and strolling leisurely, stopping to sift thru broken sand dollars and  scour for shells.

We finished the day completely sun weary. Truly exhausted in all the best possible ways. It prevailed as a winsome beginning to  what will surely be another great beach vacation.

fall fail

I feel everyone is writing of fall. Crisp golden leaves swirling to the ground. Mugs filled to the brim with something hot, warming you all the way thru. Your favorite pair of socks possibly stolen from a beloved. Scarves, chunky knits and riding boots. Pumpkin spices weaving thru chilly breezes.

And I'm just not there.

It's near a hundred degrees outside and we're gearing up for a jaunt to the beach. I'm in cut off jean shorts grasping for  those last dregs of summer.

Maybe in October. . . 

a fair evening

I have so many great memories of going to the fair, starting as a wee little girl myself. I used to love to ride the motorcycles, the pink one with the sparkly paint was always my favorite. I remember scrambling up the steps, and side stepping my way around to have first pick.

As a mother, the fair has become a milestone of sorts. I still can recall the first time we took Aussie, a mental picture I hope to not forget. She was about three years old and we had been prepping her all day for the adventures that lay ahead. Of course, she had no idea what it was but knew she wanted to be dressed perfectly for the occasion. She strutted out in a black leotard, a purple tutu and leg warmers! I can still picture her so plainly, sitting astride a miniature pony in her fancy get up.

The bugs and I sat down yesterday before we left and scrolled thru photos from our previous fair days. It's so fun to see how much they change each year. To watch them become braver, to look back on their different hair styles and fashions. Aussie wore a leg warmer last night across one knee, just in case she fell, this year it wouldn't scrape her knee like it did last year. I had to giggle just a bit to myself, these wee ones come up with the best stuff. :)

To be perfectly honest, as a mother the fair is a bit of a nightmare. The crowds are thick and hot and wild. My head was spinning trying to keep everyone safe and accounted for. I was gripping the hands of multiple wee ones and continually counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4, an ongoing mental headcount.

As the sky darkened and the lights began to glow purple and blue, we braved the lines and took up into the night on the ferris wheel. A family favorite. We snapped pictures and scanned the land contemplating what would be their final ride of the evening.

They settled on the giant slide. One final hurrah! Not sure my mamma nerves could handle too much more, we bid farewell until next year.