hand in hand

When I first started having these babes, I had fears, worries. The biggest of which, was an overwhelming thought that I would come to find myself lacking. That somehow I wouldn't or couldn't be who they needed me to be.

Blessedly, it's a slow transition and while there are certainly days and even weeks that I feel I'm failing, for the most part- I found myself here. Nestled in this role as mother to littles bits, I found that indeed I was patient. I was warm, gentle and nurturing. I found total happiness in this, my greatest adventure.

But, right now- were on the cusp of something new, something different. Change is coming, it's almost here, and I find those same fears creeping back in and taking hold.

My Aussie girl, while still so obviously young- is growing up. She's transforming right before my eyes and together we are entering a new phase. One where I feel completely bereft, incredibly vulnerable and seriously lacking.

Were moving from cuts and bruises to matters of the heart and my mind races with questions- what if I can't make the transition from littles to big? What if this place, right here, is where I shined and I'm no good at the next part? I'm to closed off for this- I worry. I'm not wise enough, eloquent enough, cool enough- what If I'm just not enough? Every insecurity I carry about myself seems blown up, magnified- and yet tied to this new path.

The only truth I cling to, is that my girl, this beautiful child of mine- she is warm, she is open, generous with her forgiveness and acceptance, gracious to my attempts and efforts. She is understanding and wise and I believe that she is mine for a purpose and that together we will walk this journey, drawing support from one another. For there is no other option- time moves on. They do grow up, and I am needed here. 

So here it is, a mothers heart laid bare. 

Who knows, maybe I will find a new part of me- a part that will thrive and excel. A me that will walk in peace and bravery and will find that I am enough.